Friday Night is Nudie Night

Every Friday night I get treated to a few minutes of nude dancing by Charles! We come home from tango and puff our way up the stairs to his flat, then I flag out on the bed whilst he turns the shower on and starts stripping his clothes off. I quite like this part of the evening! He does have rather a good body – fabulous thighs – and I get treated to a show of muscle flexing and toe pointing, twisting and posing, all at my request. Sometimes he pulls me up off the bed to try tango moves out on me. Naked.

What a lucky girl I am!

My Morning Routine

7.30am I vaguely become aware that the radio is on. Grooh, late for work.

Roll out of bed and stagger to the loo. I can do the whole ‘going to the loo’ bit without ever opening my eyes… I roll over the edge of the bed and stand up so that the bed is to my left, then walk forwards along the side of the bed with left arm outstretched until I feel the bedpost. This I swing around until I hit the bed again, then walk forwards to the door and grope for the handle. Open the door and slide my left arm along the wall until I find the door frame to the bathroom. Swing around the door frame and into the bathroom. Shuffle forwards 3 paces, turn around, sit down. Right hand out finds the loo roll. Stand up. Then do everything in reverse back into my bedroom again. Pyjamas off and fling them in the direction of the bed.

Only then do I need to open my eyes in order to hunt for some knickers.

Grope through pile of clothes on chair to find something wearable. Top and bottom will hopefully match. If they don’t I will go to work looking very odd, as my new policy is to wear all my slightly worn clothes before I pull anything fresh out of my wardrobe, due to my ‘slightly worn’ pile reaching Everest-like heights.

Stagger back to bathroom and clean teeth.

Stagger to kitchen and pull lunch out of fridge. Usually this ends up being just a pot of houmous and a yoghurt, as my planned ‘preparing a healthy lunch the night before’ routine has never yet actually got off the ground.

Pick up handbag and shoes on way back through sitting room. Slide feet into shoes and pick up coat from floor.

Stagger out to car.

Drive to work. Initially I drive at 60 mph as I am trying to become less of a speed-freak, but within 30 seconds I am doing 90 mph as I should have been at work by now and everyone else is just driving so dang slow!

Turning off the motorway I lick my finger and rub last night’s mascara from underneath my eyes.

Arrive at work and try to tiptoe upstairs without anyone spotting me. Phew – my boss isn’t in yet!

Switch computer on, spread papers across my desk, and attempt to look as though I’ve been sat there, hard at work, for simply hours.

Notice, in the mirror on my desk, that I have merely smeared last night’s mascara further round my face, it hasn’t actually disappeared… so wet my finger again and have another rub. My hair is doing a pretty good impression of an electrocuted brillo pad, so pull a comb out of my desk drawer and drag it through my hair.

My boss arrives. “Good morning!” she calls, merrily.

Sigh and stretch as though I’ve been working forever and need a break, and wander off in search of coffee and breakfast.

Whole routine from waking up to sitting at desk – 40 minutes! Not bad!

* * * * *

Evening: I just put my dressing gown on and it smells of Charles - made my heart go all twangy!

Enchanting Flesh Loss Product!

You know those spam emails offering you willy-lengthening products, free naked housewives, etc. I've just received one trying to sell me a diet pill and it has obviously, and hilariously, been written by a non-English speaker, probably using one of those internet translation sites:

End the annoying obesity now!

*** - the up-to-the-moment and most enchanting flesh-loss product.

Do you realize redundant body kilos kill very much people for every new year? We know that you hate the unattractive appearance of those people. Moreover, you can't resist an assault of your fatal eating habits. Here *** comes, the later product for the reduction of your body's extra weight. Pay you attention to some notes received from our customers:

"One day I was told about *** the media by and I was really effected by the information. I had tried to take it, and my wife said to me that I look very good now, 4 months later. 32 pounds off and it is still far to an end. And you know, it's rather hot in our bedroom now."

*** helps your brain to understand that you doesn't have such a great need for the constant eating. Great thanks to its powerful original formula!

(link) Elicit more information.

Erm, yes - enchanting! And I think his 'customer' could do with a few English lessons too!

New Shoes

Me and Charles have new tango shoes!

I went round to his flat tonight with our package from the postman. We opened our boxes, pushed aside the rustly tissue paper, and pulled them out. I was as excited as Imelda Marcos on a visit to Jimmy Choo - couldn't stop squeaking! They are fab! Mine are sparkly and strappy, Charles' are classic and just perfect.

I can't wait until we go dancing in them!

Happy Chocolate

I just tried a form of reverse psychology on myself without realising. Someone I work with came up to me and asked me to do a last minute (and very boring) job that needs to be done by first thing tomorrow morning. I thought "Oh crap!" but, as he's a nice person, I offered him a Cadburys Mini Egg anyway. So he went away happily crunching his egg, and I felt happy at his visit to my desk because I had done a nice thing. Happy instead of pissed off... how about that! I shall now just have to keep a never-ending supply of chocolate eggs on my desk to hand out to the never-ending queue of people who come and ask me to do crap, then my world will be forever rosy. Except that I know I would eat every egg myself and so continually be buying more and then continually be eating more ad infinitum... so perhaps that's not a very realistic idea after all.

I've just realised - most of my blog posts seem either to be about Charles or about chocolate. Easy to tell which things are most important in my life!

Men and Computers

The things you have to do to get a man's attention! Lying in Charles' bed watching him type away on his computer at 3 o'clock this morning, and wishing he would come to bed and cuddle me, I resorted to picking up my Blackberry and emailing him: "Come to bed, I want your willy!"

It didn't work! :-(

Easter Eggs, Easter Bunnies...

Ever since I was a little girl I've had a weight problem. At least, looking back at photos now I can see that I didn't - I wasn't fat, I wasn't even chunky - but my mother had me on constant diets and managed to convince me that I was a big fat heiffer and should be ashamed of my waistless child's body. So perhaps unsurprisingly I've always had rather a guilty relationship with any food that isn't green and boring. Things are different now - I really do have a big, bouncing belly - however I'm still scared of food... so scared in fact that I have to eat every piece of chocolate or cake that I ever come across so that it won't keep looking at me and taunting me!

So it is with trepidation that I enter supermarkets at this time of year. By this time of year I mean Easter. And by Easter I mean January through to April, such is the extended calendar of supermarkets. By late January my local supermarket had Easter eggs on sale. At the end of February the Lindt gold bunnies appeared. And today I spotted piles of Cadburys Easter cakes in all their tempting glory when I went to fill my car up with petrol. The stupid thing is, most of these items aren't even particularly nice (Lindt gold bunnies excepted!). They are made from cheap chocolate that is so thin you can almost see your hand through it, they are amazingly overpriced for the amount of chocolate you get, and an ordinary bar of Green & Blacks milk chocolate tastes far nicer. Yet something about them still calls out to me! Maybe it's seeing them all stacked up, row upon row disappearing into the horizon; maybe it's the egg/bunny shape; maybe it's because they are not available all year round and so become a 'grab it while you can' item. Dunno! I just wish they would go on sale for Easter week only, where they belong!

Oh well, time to eat my tea now... if I can fit anything else into my belly after the whole box of Easter cakes I've just scoffed! Grooh!

Pink Roses

My byoootiful flowers!

Last night me and Charles had a row. I won’t bore you with what it was about, suffice it to say that it was pretty much down to the strain he’s been under with work over the past few weeks. The poor boy has been working every night and every weekend for weeks, with no time to himself at all, and his mood is as taut as a tightrope. To be honest I don’t know how he’s still standing… he’s obviously made of very strong stuff!

Anyway, I didn’t cope with our row very well at all. I got into my car and, as I was too upset to drive safely, and was pretty sure I wouldn’t be welcome upstairs right at that moment either, I sat there and bawled my eyes out for two hours, then gently hiccupped and sniffed for another two until I was calm enough to drive home just after midnight. It was a little bit too public there for my liking. People kept walking past and I would try to put on a nonchalant ‘normal’ face until they had moved on, then dissolve again into tearful squeaking as soon as they were out of sight. One annoying old man had obviously decided I was acting ‘suspiciously’ by sitting in my car. He was doing his Neighbourhood Watch bit, walking past again and again, glaring in my direction, obviously trying to let me know that he had seen me in order to stop me getting up to whatever dreadful thing it was that I was planning to do. Because of course a tottery old man with a walking stick is going to stop me! After about the fourth or fifth time he passed I felt like leaping out of the car and screaming “Fuck off will you!” only it would have come out as little more than a hiccup, so I just sat there and glared back at him instead.

Today I was so frog-eyed and stuffy-headed from my long crying session, and still pretty tearful, that when I got to work I immediately turned around and came home again and got back into bed. Still fully clothed. From the night before! God I’m so scuzzy!

I finally got up and had a bath at 5.30pm, and began to feel a little better. Then suddenly my day got lots better! Charles, darling wonderful gorgeous Charles, turned up at my door with two pink miniature rose plants, both in bloom. And both in pink felt bags with butterflies sewn onto them. Anyone who knows how much I like both butterflies and flowers will realise what a lovely present this was for me! I was so touched! I burst into tears all over again and hugged him so hard… he is sooo the best boyfriend in the whole world!

Aww Cute!

Last night Charles gave me a little chocolate Conetto, which is kind of like a Cornetto but in miniature and without the ice cream... which I suppose makes it not like a Cornetto at all really, but there you go. It is so cute! Unbelieveably for something made of chocolate I haven’t scarfed it yet... instead I like to look at it and go “Aww cute!”

Minced Goolies for Tea

Poor Charles - he's looking a kind of pale green colour at the moment! It's not healthy for him being nocturnal and never having any rest. The people at work don't seem to realise what efforts he's putting in, they don't see him at the weekends with twelve bags under each eye working away on their crap instead of resting like they are, and not even having time to read the paper. He had a horrible meeting yesterday where they pretty much told him off... and because I know just what huge efforts he's been making I want to go down to his office and put his bosses' goolies through a mincer... they should actually be thanking him for all the extra effort he's putting in!